10 of the best years

Warning: If you aren't offended by people who are lacking any sort of pigment in their skin, please read on. If you've seen the movie Powder, you'll be better prepared for the "powdery" white people portrayed in this post.

We've been married for a decade. It's really hard to believe that time could move so quickly. To celebrate we were going to New Orleans. Expedia basically screwed up our reservation and we were no longer able to get this killer deal, that I had originally booked. So where are you to go with 1 day's notice? Hawaii. It didn't seem to matter if we booked this trip a day in advance or 6 months, it was always the same price which I found comforting.

People are quite often surprised that I have never been to Hawaii. When I was a kid my mom said she was reserving Hawaii for my honeymoon. Well, we chose France and Italy instead. Maybe it was because everyone else was going to Hawaii that made me less motivated to go there. I'm a swim against the stream kind of guy. Anyway, after being there, I get it. It's beautiful, exotic and perfect for romance. I should have gone there years earlier.

We went to Oahu because it seemed like the island that had the most to do. I love the beach but I'm not a sun tanner or lay on the beach all day kind of guy. The drawback of Oahu seemed to be that the beaches are crowded and Honolulu is a fairly charmless place. We found this amazing hotel named Kahala that had it's own private beach and is far enough removed from the city to make it feel secluded but also close enough that you have access to great restaurants. The hotel is a swank mid century building that has been totally renovated. It has hosted every president since Nixon and even Queen Elizabeth, lady Di and Pat Sajak. If it's good enough for Sajak, it's good enough for anyone.

The hotel featured it's own dolphin lagoon, sting ray and sea turtle pools. Who doesn't love watching dolphins? They were so cute it hurt. Seeing them play reaffirmed my belief that there is a special place in hell for people who abuse dolphins.

One of the main staircases is surrounded by a living wall of orchids. Bliss my friends, freakin' bliss.

Requisite underwater photo shoot

We went spear fishing which had nothing to do with those sweet James Bond looking spear guns but rather a spear attached to a bungee cord thing. Very primitive. We were told spearfishing is an atypical hoalie behavior and generally considered to be "hardcore." Being of the hardcore variety ourselves, naturally we took to it like bullets take to guns.

All killer no filler, full time suckaz

We went to the Polynesian cultural center. I wasn't really excited about going but Candice thought it would be a good idea. We had a great time there and I would totally recommend going to anyone who loves having a good time and seeing huge men wearing little clothing. Seriously, Hawaii is the only place that I've felt small physically. Huge, beautiful people.

I wish I could say that I wove these fish I'm holding but I didn't. I'm too busy making testosterone and thinking about sharks and stuff.

Hula hotness

A little cliff jumpin'

Went to a pineapple plantation and learned about one of my favorite fruits.

Pineapple float: Fresh pineapple soft serve combined with fresh pineapple juice. The synergy created by these two ingredients is something special.

Speaking of fruits, we're dorks

Since it was our tenth anniversary we basically told anyone who would listen in hopes that they would hook us up with free crap. It worked.

The hotel switched the Champagne to sparkling juice in a matter of minutes, what a great hotel.

We were on the menu, very cool

We went shark diving, it was as bitchin' as it sounds

The sharks were beautiful and big. 9-12 ft. long 200-350lbs.

Watch that the toes don't slip through the cage-someone's nighmare is realized in this picture

We wanted to dive but the diving in Hawaii isn't supposed to be great. We snorkeled at 4 different places instead and it was rad.

Even when I snorkel, I still like to go deep. Candice told me I shouldn't go so deep.

We also went to swim with wild spinner dophins. It took a while to find them but eventually we did. We even saw some humpback whales.

We saw a pod of maybe 50-60 dolphins. They were so cute and small. Jumping, spinning and frolicking in a way that only dolphins can.

When we went to get in the water with them, our captain got nervous because they were moving out to deep water. He said that there could be tiger sharks in the area and refused to let us get in the water. Tiger sharks would have been an added bonus for me, so I was disappointed. It was cool to see wild dolphins though.

Finally, we gorged on high end food the entire week. We ignored the fact that we were mostly wearing nothing but swimwear all day, everyday. This morning I weighed in at 215lbs. You know it was wonderful when you gained 8lbs in one week. Here's some food porn for the sickos out there.

The best food we had was at a place called Alan Wongs, if you're in Oahu, you must go. Also, good to know that there is a Morimoto there now, get the spicy king crab legs-orgasmic.

Rollin' in the open top Jeep, seemed like the right thing to do.

Finally, thanks to my girl for making me the happiest man in the world for the last ten years and running. Here's to us.